It’s 9:40 PM in Chicago Illinois – May 6th, 2022
I am in the living room of the Lyrical Lemonade office with Ausar, OG Stevo, Chris Patrick, and Justin Alvarez. I just got back from two weeks of touring with femdot on the ‘Back Home’ tour, and one question that arose in the green room multiple times was: What’s the best cookie of all time?
We had plenty of passionate and spirited debates about this on the road: Frsh Waters loves butter cookies, femdot is a fan of snickerdoodle, and Amindi is a fan of the frosted animal crackers. After many days of thinking about this in my head, I bought this question up to Ausar, OG Stevo, and Chris Patrick.
So here we are – now 9:50 on a Friday night at the Lyrical Lemonade office, ranking our top 5 cookies.
First things first – Chris Patrick is the WILDCARD of this debate. For starters, he started his list from 5 to 1, which I think we can all agree is weird. He was extremely passionate about these things called Vienna cookies, must be a New Jersey thing because none of us from the midwest has ever heard of them. Chris has Nilla at number 2, something that I think is a bitter and utter DISGRACE to baked goods worldwide. One thing I’ve noticed about Chris during this debate, Chris keeps trying to relate cookies to what the women like – he’s claiming that they are the ultimate tastemakers. Chris keeps saying “What about the women” and “that vote is for the women” – someone please stop this man, he’s doing this for his own benefit.
“If the women love it, then we are good to go” – Chris Patrick
The personal list for Chris goes as follows:
1 • Oreos
2 • Nilla
3 • Thin Mints
4 • Frosted Oatmeal
5 • Sugar Cookie
Ausar is an educated young man, he has a Community Health degree from the Prestigious University of Illinois, and he is a known lover of the fast-food chain Arby’s. In addition to Arby’s, he is a big fan of glizzies aka Hotdogs. (He thinks hotdogs are sandwiches.) When it comes to cookies though, he leans heavily towards the chocolate side of the spectrum, which I can respect. Chris believes he “has the taste of a grandma who lives in church on Sundays”. Having Nilla cookies as his fifth option is controversial to me – don’t get me wrong, they are good, but not Top 5 in my opinion.
The personal list for Ausar goes as follows:
1 • Chocolate Chip
2 • Oatmeal Chocolate
3 • Oreo
4 • White Chocolate Macadamia Nut
5 • Chessmen Cookies
OG Stevo stepped up to the whiteboard at about 10:04 PM, and he left us shaking in our boots. He came out of the gate and put MINI GRANDMA cookies as his #1 option, doesn’t make any sense to me, because why not just have the full-size cookie? After putting his first vote down, Stevo was perplexed, he stood there for nearly five minutes and just stared at the list of cookies that we wrote down. I’ve been friends with Stevo for a couple of years now, I know him pretty well, but I learned about him today. OG Stevo loves Sprinkles ladies and gentlemen, he can’t live without them. He made it CLEAR that the Christmas Cookies NEED to have the sprinkles to make the list, on bro. Stevo also believes that if the hoes love it, let’s do it.
1 • Mini Grandma’s Cookies
2 • Chessmen Cookies
3 • White Chocolate Macadamia Nut
4 • Sugar Cookie
5 • Chrismas Cookie with sprinkles
*words about Elliot are by Chris Patrick*
It begins. Elliot, in a fit of rage, confiscated all of the phones. He turns with fury to the board and begins to break down the list of the competitors. He looks at my list and begins to destroy it utterly. Stevo explains how mini’s are indeed superior. In regards to Ausar’s list, Elliot loves it, he’s ecstatic about it. Stevo and myself aren’t the biggest fans of chocolate chip however, Elliot is willing to die on that hill. On to Elliot’s thoughts about Stevo’s list. Elliot clearly has a problem. He DOES NOT think Nilla’s should be in anyone’s top 2, he believes it’s an abomination.
On to his (shit) list. He opens up with what he believes is his Derrick Rose in 2010, the classic Chocolate Chip. Not bad. Number two on his personal ranking is M&M cookies. Ausar calls a timeout and tries to relate the story of Icarus to why M&M’s should NOT be added to chocolate chip cookies. I agree. That’s disgusting. The third and fourth on his list are Thin Mints and Oreo’s. Although they’re lower on the list, I do enjoy the choice. Finally, he ends with Oatmeal CC.
1 • Chocolate Chip
2 • M&M
3 • Thin Mints
4 • Oreos
5 • Oatmeal Chocolate Chip
BREAKING NEWS: At 10:34 PM – Ausar brings up a great point, WHAT ABOUT THE CLASSIC CHESSMEN COOKIES. Madness ensues – people are screaming and pounding the table, and the eraser is broken out. Everyone is looking around, second-guessing their Top 5 lists, there is a mass amount of confusion and angst in the room. Ausar erased Nilla cookies from his list to switch it out with Chessmen. Shortly after, OG Stevo erased Nilla from #2 on his list and also replaced it with Chessmen. Chris Patrick is currently pacing around the office and wondering why his friends have made such a treacherous decision. In my opinion, this just goes to show exactly what Nilla’s are – good but replaceable.
The Consensus Top 5 cookies between us are:
1 • Chocolate Chip
2 • Oreo
3 • Chessmen
4 • White Chocolate Macadamia
5 • Thin Mints
Overall – you have to respect everybody’s list personally, we all have different taste buds and that’s life *frank sinatra voice*. Chocolate Chip is the Michael Jordan of cookies, it’s the Tom Brady, there is nothing better and it deserved to be crowned as the #1 of all time. If you made it this far, thank you for reading, I hope you have a great night.